1. |
feb 1
01:26
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therapy each week costs 250
the price of a new tattoo
or a couple of new shoes
i know i need it
but I can’t see it
i know i need it
I want something tangible
not something that I can’t see
not something to make me cry this week
its so expensive to have
ptsd
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2. |
feb 2
01:43
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i’m stuck in a fettered casket
one that keeps me wide awake
i know that my heart beats faster
everyday since ‘98
I convince myself
I’m aging like fine wine
but I age in my bed
I lie
bathing in filth and I’m watching tv
don’t deserve the accolades
i know that my heart beats faster
everyday since ‘98
I convince myself
I’m aging like fine wine
but I age in my bed
I lie
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3. |
feb 3
00:26
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4. |
feb 4
01:57
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I saw your body once
wanna see more of it
most nights we just talk
we don’t do much more than kiss
and that’s just fine
it’s alright
it’s more than fine
i’ve got a question
and the answer never comes
just say you want me to come over after work
cuz I will
want more of your sweet pill
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5. |
feb 5
01:59
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i’ve got a bad case of the sunday scaries
wishing things didn’t feel so blurry
feeling like a corpse
lost my favorite shirt
complaining is boring
naked in the flesh
loving myself less
i can’t believe what i am saying now
feeling like a corpse
come back as a ghost
i’m drowning in the sunday scaries now
i’ve got a bad case of the sunday scaries wishing i felt like the jury
and not the judge
i’m feeling lovely tonight
naked in the flesh
loving myself less
i can’t believe what i am saying now
feeling like a corpse
come back as a ghost
i’m drowning in the sunday scaries now
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6. |
feb 6
00:57
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i miss the care that’s been replaced with some sort of cruel comfort
who could blame u
maybe i still do
honesty lights me like a fire
makes me almost reconcile
all the wires cut loose
my stomach acid turns to bile
makes me feel like a sick child
i’m scared of getting sicker too
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7. |
feb 7
01:59
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i walk into the bar, unassuming
order a soda with lime
i hate these ordinary gestures
yet i fear missing out all the time
i try to put my needs first sometimes
but then my heart is in my throat
i try to put myself out there alright
make a plan then i don’t wanna go
i wish my life was like a pop song
just wanna have a little fun tonight
i worry everything i do is wrong
but what does it mean to be right
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8. |
feb 8
02:21
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it’s been a hazy day
and you’re having a rough night
id come over but you wanna be alone tonight
but i guess it’s not so easy when your brain tells you to bury it
i don’t wanna fix you, wanna prove that i can sit with it
nothing scares me anyway
i’ve lived with myself on my bad days
february in the 60s
and no mask mandate
yea everything is fucked up
it’s just another wednesday
but i guess it’s just too easy to let it fizzle out
yoh ask me about my lyrics well here are some about you now
nothing scares me anyway
wanna see you even on your bad days
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9. |
feb 9
01:17
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bathed in vitriol
i’m losing my sense of control
run away with me
i’ve got issues
that’s why i won’t text you
till i’m tapping out
the silence scares me now
i could be the one who
you despise
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10. |
feb 10
01:21
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i’m so tired
my doctor said i can’t have any caffeine
but i fall asleep while i’m working
go to bed take off your shoes
got to bed take your meds
brush your teeth go to bed answer all my unread texts
go to bed
go to bed
go to bed
go to bed!!!!
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11. |
feb 11
00:57
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sometimes i don’t know what i’m doing
been shooting 13 hours feels like giving up
my body feels like it is rotting at the touch
i’m building new cities in my mind
is it helping or hurting all the time
it makes no difference
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12. |
feb 12
01:47
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sometimes i feel like i can’t even carry a simple conversation
i start to grow weary
i’m not trying to be selfish
i’m just trying to relate
when the jitters set in i start to get nervous
hear the echoes of my last words reverberating
sure that everybody’s thinking that i’m a selfish shit
i hate to be like that
i hate to be like that
i’m trying to be better
but i’m never ever ever
my body’s feeling like i got hit by a truck
wanna hide inside a skeleton for a few months that’s not full of issues
that no one can even see
i hate to be like that
i hate to be like that
i’m trying to be better
but i’m never ever ever
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13. |
feb 13
00:51
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why do i get weird when i take my meds
why do i get weird when i take my meds
why am i so
forgetful
i wish you will i wish you won’t
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14. |
feb 14
01:15
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i’ve got a one way
ticket to somewhere out of my brain
and naturally i’m turning sideways
trying to figure out
all of the mundane
therapy thoughts
i had a great night
in my dreams all of my friends died
woke up in a funk and it is all mine
vulnerable to all the free wires
i’m working it out
i’ve got intimacy issues
zippers and buttons hold
the nakedness feels so warm
i’ve got everything i need
i’ll see you next time maybe
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15. |
feb 15
01:40
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i still carry with me the deepest of shame
around the things that i’ve done wrong
try to put it back where it belongs and bury it
or i could wear it every day
i wanna be the safest outlet
everyone’s forgot about it (except me)
i was having such a good time
ruined it with my mind
going to the party
i won’t leave with nobody
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16. |
feb 16
02:58
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i was looking for something outside my 9-5
cut my fingertips trying to be deserving of your insides
i’m losing my cool
i don’t need to be angry but i might be a little bit
i’ll wake up in the morning feeling fucking pissed
all dressed up with no where to go
hate to admit all the things that i know
i was looking for something outside my 9-5
cut my fingertips trying to be deserving of your insides
i’m losing my cool
i don’t need to be angry but i might write a fire one
i’ll wake up in the morning feeling fucking dumb
all dressed up with no where to go
hate to admit all the things that i know
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17. |
feb 17
01:01
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sometimes i feel like my world is ending
till i step outside
180 degrees i wanna feel on fire
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18. |
feb 18
01:02
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i can tell i talk too much
my words make coattrails
in the common fuss
it’s getting real
i think i’m gonna die
its getting real
hate losing all this daylight
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19. |
feb 19
01:30
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this guitar is broken
playing the only chords that work
i missed the deadline
tried my best for what it’s worth
it’s something important to me
now that I’m not singing in the bathroom while your asleep
I can really scream
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20. |
feb 20
01:58
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tomorrow i swear i’ll start drinking water again
today i should stop feeling guilty over my sins
lately i feel like a stranger in my own bed
a nuisance in my own house, chaotic threads
i’m feeling low, i’ll sort it out
some days the mess is too loud
I scrub the grime no one can see
I do my dishes eternally
I’m begging please
tomorrow I swear i’ll start drinking water again
but I hate the taste and I hate all the condescension
i’m feeling low, i’ll sort it out
some days the mess is too loud
I scrub the grime no one can see
I do my dishes eternally
I’m begging please
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21. |
feb 21
02:45
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this sapphic little dance we do
my two left feet are spinning
i get scared you don’t want me anymore
back to the beginning
i forgive myself
i’ve got needs
and emotions
i think i want it all
think i’ve lost all the commotion
i want more
need to stop jumpin to conclusions
when i don’t know yet
think i might be a little too much
i’m scared to death
i forgive myself
i’ve got needs
and emotions
i think i want it all
think i’ve lost all the commotion
i want more
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22. |
feb 22
00:46
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what about the kids in cages
the men in blue always say
we gotta vote to make this all go away
voted for their lie
now it’s just a different shitty white guy
making fascist border policy
the liberal silence screams hypocrisy
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23. |
feb 23
01:35
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i don’t hate my job
think i just hate working
spent so many years not wanting to be
and now that i do
it’s spent looking at computer screens
9-5 my face is swollen, migraines please
how is this my humanity?
just weeks ago i was hiking in tempe
it’s not very cost effective, i would make you sweat
i’ve got a problem you can’t solve with cheaper rent
i don’t hate my job
just capitalism
spent so many years thinking it was just me
not built for the system
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24. |
feb 24
01:04
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scratch at the surface my eyelids are peeling
my insecurities so unappealing
i’m so excited for you to spend the night
i’m so excited
i go the distance
while i’m just a daydream
all of my pillows unravel at the seams
i’m so excited for you to spend the night
i’m so excited
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25. |
feb 25
01:24
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i was dazy driving
exit off the highway
sleeping in a parking lot
wrinkles in the rear view
calling for a breakthrough
bracing for a final front
if i’m high get me higher
if I’m low get me high
red and itchy bumps
it’s gross it’s kinda fun
to be a human woman
dancing to the tv
l word make out party
best day that i’ve ever hard
if i’m high get me higher
if I’m low get me high
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26. |
feb 26
02:51
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i feel so much guilt
when i sit with myself
my vagus nerve paints pictures
of my past intel
i play it so cool
when everyone’s around
can’t gamble new life
my genes are so unsound
i could have been a better daughter, sister mother softer
i can’t sit with it for too long, unfettered
or else i’m gone
i feel so much guilt
when i sit with my things
my body still remembers
all the stupid little bits
i play it so cool
when everyone’s around
can’t gamble new life
and I don’t want it now
i could have been a better daughter, sister mother softer
i can’t sit with it for too long
unfettered
or else i’m gone
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27. |
feb 27
02:12
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he said i gained a spring in my step last may
around the time i started new meds 150 twice a day
then i started a new job, altered my brain chemistry
i started to panic, lost somebody close to me
they said
to just wait things out and things will all level out again
a year later still to tired to get out of bed, i guess
then i caught the disease everyone once was fearful of
jump started my heart, my body fails even when my brain is good
get up to meet you
im scared of whatever the next thing is
what if i need you?
i’ve never needed anybody since
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28. |
feb 28
02:29
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i go in the garden
and pick out a melody
scream my frustration or sing something sweet
it’s scorpio season
i’m playing make believe
i breathe
look in the mirror i feel sentient and wiser
this may be the last song that i write for a while
it starts texting rian
and that how it ends
and this month was the hardest most perfect pretense
that the world isn’t going to end
if the ship‘s going down ’ll play the violins
look in the mirror i feel sentient and wiser
this may be the last song that i write for a while
but a while doesn’t have to be so long
but for now so long
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Rachel Kline Baltimore, Maryland
hi i'm rachel and this is my bandcamp
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